Larkin Street Youth Services 2022 : Story of my Lived Experience

 

It was 10 a.m. at "Baker Place," where group therapy was in session. For those who don't know, Baker Place is a rehabilitation center for individuals trying to overcome their life circumstances. At that time, I had no understanding of schizophrenia; I thought I was losing my mind and was a lost cause, someone who would never amount to anything. It was my therapist who introduced me to @larkinstreetyouthservices. 

At Larkin Street, I witnessed a lot. I saw many well-functioning adults living on the streets of San Francisco, and I realized many of them were similar to me. The only difference was that I was given the opportunity to speak out about my experiences in the Bay Area. I had a chance to showcase my knowledge of harm reduction, the power of Narcan, and what true leadership looks like in the hands of young advocates. 

Through Larkin Street Youth Services, many leaders, including Scott Wiener and Sherilyn Adams, heard my voice today.  They saw me for me, allowing me to see my potential. I am grateful to have crossed paths with them.

 

 If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell her that you are resilient, strong, smart, and capable of doing anything you put your mind to. 

My emotional support animal PART TWO #schizophrenia #doglover

 

This blog is simply for those who are curious as to how schizophrenics live their day to day lives. I cannot speak on ALL schizophrenics, but this website is simply to highlight the positive moments that create meaning behind such a challenging illness. 

Just over a month ago, I rescued Shirley. I had no prior experiences with animals, other than the simple fact that I was lonely, in need of companionship, and desperate to escape the darkness that inhabited me. 

Shirley brings light into my life. She has so much energy to give. I have no clue where I would be without her vivacious energy. 

So far, her favorite snack is cinnamon flavored milk-bone crackers, with a side of chicken apple sausage strips. She jumps up and down with excitement, every time I open my refrigerator. 

As a young schizophrenic, it can be difficult to keep my surroundings clean and fresh. Shirley gives me the energy to keep my space clean. Keeping your apartment clean and nice doesn't feel like a chore anymore when Shirley is around. I care about her deeply. 

My emotional support animal! #schizophrenia #healing

 

Having schizophrenia can be challenging. I didn't ask for auditory hallucinations. I think if it were my choice, I would never ask for such a difficult thought disorder. 

Ever since Shirley came into my life, my life has changed. I found a new passion for life and all its trials and tribulations. Her energy is so radiant, a light shines through her.

10:45PM

it's officially 7 days until I can register for classes online. My goal in school, is to receive my associates in Social and Behavioral Sciences, with a minor in trauma prevention and recovery. I plan on changing the way schizophrenia is perceived in the media. All I see online about schizophrenics is that we are psycho or some extremely smart genius. There's literally no middle ground. Where are the schizophrenics who are pretty functional, simple, and just plan on taking care of themselves and their family. I plan on healing my trauma, allowing support groups to help me succeed, and moving forward from past traumatic experiences.

#freepalestine "Resistance is justified when people are occupied" #schizoposting

 I was taking the bus home, as I saw this mind-blowing image. 

As a student, my heart breaks for innocent children being a target to such an ugly, despicable, callous crime. No one deserves to lose their newborn babies, especially to bombs. This genocide is really difficult to grasp. It all seems unreal.

5:54am

I never understood what babies had to do with this? 

Why babies?

Why drag them into a war they know nothing about?

Why are our tax dollars funding a war?

When I go home, I don't think about a bomb possibly taking off when I go to sleep. I don't cry myself to bed, over losing my child to a senseless war. My heart goes out to families, friends,colleagues, who have to be reminded everyday that they are not free just yet.

What I learned from RAM's Peer Certificate Program #schizoposting #freepalestine

 Living with schizophrenia can be challenging, but building community definitely changed my perspective on my mental illness. I am still in shock, that I was hired to be a part of this program. The vulnerable side of me thought.. 

"I won't ever get hired because of my age and mental illness." 

As I stated, the statistics don't lie. Most of America's drug affiliates are schizophrenics, Bipolar, or Depressed. What can I possibly say in my interview that could possibly change this narrative?

as you can see, my thoughts were not being very supportive at the time, but my determination to be a part of a movement kept me going. 

First off RAM's stands for "Richmond Area Multi Services". 

So.. what did I learn from this six-teen week program?

Being a part of Ram's Peer Certificate Program expanded my views on intersectionality. As I stated in my college paper, intersectionality is the idea that every.single.group ... black, Hispanic, Indian, White, etc. all experience some type of discrimination. 

For example.. 

It was the evening, my Ram's associates had just finished eating burritos. I was holding a very dark secret from them...

"I have schizophrenia." I stated 

I could give you 1000 reasons as to why I said that. Schizophrenics are at risk of being victims of assault. I was in need of them seeing me for me.

"Oh wow! I have autism." they replied

My point in sharing this, is to remind you that your flaws don't need to be buried in your heart. Someone out there may need to hear your story, in order to be at peace. Schizophrenia, autism, tourettes, etc still don't get enough promotion due to media outlets "not believing them" or thinking it's a publicity stunt. I am lucky to have made life-long memories with my cohort.

Building acceptance with schizophrenia

 

11:27pm

Sometimes, I think to myself.. " what did I ever do to deserve such an illness like schizophrenia?" I mean, I always gave back, I mind my own business, and I had already lost my sister to cancer! What more did I need to experience, in order to understand that life itself is Precious?

11:32pm

The truth was that I couldn't escape the drama that inhabited me. The endless nights of stress and desperation .. for a better life. When I found out I had schizophrenia, my heart skipped a beat. I was so angry, because If I had known this at the start of my educational journey, I would have been in a different place.. definitely not the one I was in today.

One method I found to be helpful for me to combat the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, is reminding myself that I am resilient, resourceful, and smart. Writing has kept my emotions at ease. It reminds me that I have a purpose to fulfill my ancestors who paved the way for me. 

What does building acceptance with schizophrenia look like?

Building acceptance with schizophrenia looks like, not allowing the diagnosis to take over your mind. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are simply responding to trauma that has been set upon you growing up. Secondly, you need to understand that your life isn't over. There are tons of methods (medication, psychotherapy, etc) that can help you manage your symptoms. Third, you have to understand that there is no such thing as "normal". What is normal? The life you are given today matters. Make use of every day, reminding yourself that there is no such thing as a "perfect" life. 

Storytime: "dreaming with my best friend in 2019" #schizoedition

I loved to dream about becoming an adult. At the time, being a minor wasn't so fun at all. I had a raging crush on older men, I enjoyed going to raves, and spending large sums of money on hotels with my best friend Ari. Although my 20s isn't particularly over just yet, I still reminisce about everything I dreamed about. Making music was on the top of my list. It was interacting with artistic people, in hopes of a possible collaboration. At the time, creating timeless pictures would fill up the time before me and my best friend turned twenty-one. 

how did schizophrenia affect your relationships?


Honestly speaking; it didn't. Or maybe I just don't like to admit it. As we grow up, our responsibilities change. Life starts to remind us that our parents aren't getting any younger, our family needs some extra support, and people's true colors start to show. 

I remember when my best friend visited me for the first time at a rehab housing site. I was highly addicted to nicotine at the time, unaware that there was more to life than just relying on temporary fulfillment. 

I will ALWAYS appreciate the laughter, joy, and vibe that my best friend carries. It is no joke that her vibrant energy is hard to forget. 

I will always remember the days when life was pretty simple. 

 

What Trump's Presidency taught me #schizoedition #womanempowerment

 As a black woman, I've been conditioned to think that my opinions don't matter. It has been this way for many years in this country. In some way, I must teach myself how to not respond to hate or bigotry. I've been taught to "eliminate fear" and "follow my dreams". What if your life... changes? Being diagnosed with a thought disorder taught me that life itself can be challenging. As a black woman, my opinions, beliefs, and sense of identity were never valued compared to other women. Black women are the mothers of society. We carry a lot of pain that dates back to jim crow, a time in history that will always haunt most Americans. Electing a female president is a great start, but it doesn't negate the fact that change starts with yourself. In order to change, we must change our perspective on alternative beings. Those who don't fit into the status quo, can ultimately teach us a lot about ourselves and who we're becoming.

Practicing "Digital Minimalism"

 

2:04PM 

How did we get here? I'm not talking about Adam and Eve. I'm talking about cellphones..or maybe online dating? Our communication has decreased with technology's most high-tech advances. How is it that we are able to afford an iphone, but can't find a way to communicate effectively with others? The fact of the matter is that we use our phones too much.. too much to the point where we aren't valuing human connection like we've had in the past. People are now swiping right or swiping left, to determine whether someone is worth communicating with. We are multi-dimensional human beings, meaning that our destiny isn't determined by how many likes or shares someone possesses. It should be determined by how someone makes others feel.. genuinely. 

         Growing up, I always found it hard to connect with those who were "privileged". Trust me, I understand that it's not their fault for simply being born into wealth, but hear me out.. the distribution of wealth in this country is out of control. Tupac said it best, that there's no reason as to why some people could afford six houses, a car, and a jet.. while kids are dying in Africa due to poverty, malnutrition, and of course.. a sick society. 

We have to change the way we view the "others" of society. Those that have a lot to offer but just don't have the chance to showcase their abilities. Don't ignore them. Invite them in your circle for a day or two. mingle with someone who could possibly teach you what truly matters in life. Happiness.

 

  

Mania/Auditory Hallucinations/ disorganized thinking : My life without Social Media

 

1:08AM

It's late at night. My schizophrenia episode has made me question if I will be strong enough to get things done. The truth: I have ALWAYS been strong. I'm always that friend that has your back and never looks back... but who has my back?

It's been officially a week since saying goodbye to social media. Social media really distorts human beings'perception of oneself. I think it makes people ignorant, arrogant, and just down right dirty. I get it. We just never had this much access to free information. Being able to track people down you don't like only reinforces the fact that we are being conditioned to react, rather than being the creator of one's destiny. We mindlessly scroll on social media, looking to fill a void that we have to learn to fill on our own. At least that's how I view it. 

1:20AM

My schizophrenia may seem fake to some, but it is in fact very real for me. My auditory hallucinations are mimicking celebrities..calling me horrible things only to distract me from the truth: I am a vibe, I am beautiful, and I really am that b*tch who doesn't need validation in order to feel appreciated. 

Haters are like voices. They're that voice in your head that keeps nagging about that job you didn't get, that girl you never dated, or that hat you couldn't afford. Haters are simply here to remind you that you are lacking in some area in your life (which is normal) and they will help you get there! 

1:26AM

My haters help me every.single.day. 

They remind me of how basic I would be if I didn't hear them. 

My Story/Quitting Drugs/Social Media

 I am sharing my story not to gain anything from it. I honestly think I am just a human being who needs to let out some of the repressed anger I've been experiencing. The good news is that I overcame a lot of mental blockages. My story is simply made to inspire anyone who feels like they don't fit in or have a voice. The truth is that every.voice.matters. No matter how privileged you are, others perspectives still hold value. 

It was 7am.

I had just woken up from my sleep. 

the truth: I hated school.

I hated every.minute.of.it.

My school was predominantly Asian American. I have no sense of hatred towards them..other than the fact that their food smelled a little off, their women were so skinny, and that I, myself had no idea how I would possibly feel beautiful in a society that tells me otherwise. 

"Can't wear that to school." my brother insisted 

"why?'' I asked

"you're not built the same as them."  he scolded

School wasn't really the problem. The real issue was balancing all the extracurricular activities, that made me feel like school wasn't going to work for me.

"I'm a track star!" I screamed and ran out the door.

The school was filled with wanna.be.celebrities. I never understood why certain people were deemed "cool" or "popular" when I was the full package. My hair was nice (permed), I had a great personality, and I was talented in my own way. 

Going to highschool in 2013, meant that I was supposed to get over the untimely death of my sister in 2012. She paved the way, so that I could walk. She entered the battle field before I even knew what life was all about. The real question is; how was I supposed to continue this education with the thought of my sister being carried out of the hospital bed? I did it.. even when times were rough.

Drugs are a common phenomenon where I'm from. People love to use it as a coping strategy. Something to let time fly. Ever since I've been labeled as "schizophrenic" my life has never been the same. Being an active smoker for 5 years has taught me that drugs are not the answer to pain. You have to let go of who you were and invite change to your life.

Anyway, where am I going with all of this?

My childhood may have been rough, but there's no amount of struggle compared to living in survival mode. 

I'm blessed that I have parents who provide food and shelter, but many of those living in third world countries don't even know where they're going to find their next meal.